Monday, October 18, 2010

Thank you....

I just wanted to check in to thank everyone for their kind words of encouragement and support over the last couple of days. I am very good at the helping thing, but usually resist being helped.

I have spent a large part of my adult life struggling, being the one that needed extra help, or whose "situation" need special consideration. I have missed out on holidays, weddings, funerals, birthdays, movies and so many other opportunities and it is really only dawning on me what a limited life I have led. For a long time that didn't bother me, as I guess I didn't realise what I was missing. Besides the fear was so great, at the time I was prepared to give up on those things to keep myself feeling safe. I understand that there is a grieving process of sorts I have to go through.... acknowledgment AND acceptance of the things I cannot get back. I have tried not to get too caught up in regret, but there are days when I am so pissed off with myself for giving up SO much.

I am in a strange place now I guess: terrified of moving forward but now that I have had a taste of what is out there I am even MORE frightened of falling back into my old life. So I guess right now I am a little stuck.

It has been a long road to this point. I had this break down (I say this as it was not my first) when my youngest child was 4 1/2, and just starting Pre school. She is now 13 and almost done with her first year of high school. My recovery really only started about 5 years ago and it has been slow & painful! So hopefully this week as the hormonal fog clears and I can get some more sleep, I will be able find my reasonable self and remember the things that got me this far.

I am starting by going to the Dr soon. I have been having trouble with my neck for almost 5 months now. I have been having regular visits to the Physio but the treatment I have been getting only seems to ease the problem not fix it. I have asked her for an X-ray but she says that it doesn't matter what is actually going on the treatment would stay the same??? I am becoming less satisfied with that answer, and even more frustrated with the constant pain. I suspect on some days it is also the cause of the headaches that I get... I guess I want to know what I am dealing this something I will just need to learn to live with?? Will it get worse?? Can it get better??? I have left it this long as I hoped that exercising and losing weight would help! Obviously not!!

So I better shower & get ready....thanks again guys. It means a lot!


1 comment:

  1. I'm sure most of us can't imagine what you've been through - but what can you do but keep taking positive steps, which you're doing!

    Re the neck - have you tried a chiropractor? I know some people have reservations about them - and so I don't usually like to push it. And, indeed, like doctors, not all are alike. But I used to get migraine type headaches (not full blown like some, but enough to make me nauseous), and then (after unsatisfactorily trying physios for my lower back problems) I tried a chiro. Definitely helped my back, though I need ongoing maintenance, about every month usually, but after a while I realised that I wasn't getting those headaches anymore! Bonus! Anytime I do start getting headaches now, I get myself to the chiro, and then I'm set for quite a while.
    Any good chiropractor will get you to have x-rays too. I got lucky with my first chiro, then after a few years we moved. I shopped around before I settled on the one I've now been seeing for more than 10 years.

    Definitely losing weight is not going to hurt! Don't forget that nutrition/diet is more than half the battle, and that's something proactive that you _can_ focus on while you look for answers and strategies to deal with everything else.

    Don't forget to give yourself kudos for what you do as wife, mum, AND small business owner! Now that last one is something I wish I could make some progress on!