I just wanted to check in to thank everyone for their kind words of encouragement and support over the last couple of days. I am very good at the helping thing, but usually resist being helped.
I have spent a large part of my adult life struggling, being the one that needed extra help, or whose "situation" need special consideration. I have missed out on holidays, weddings, funerals, birthdays, movies and so many other opportunities and it is really only dawning on me what a limited life I have led. For a long time that didn't bother me, as I guess I didn't realise what I was missing. Besides the fear was so great, at the time I was prepared to give up on those things to keep myself feeling safe. I understand that there is a grieving process of sorts I have to go through.... acknowledgment AND acceptance of the things I cannot get back. I have tried not to get too caught up in regret, but there are days when I am so pissed off with myself for giving up SO much.
I am in a strange place now I guess: terrified of moving forward but now that I have had a taste of what is out there I am even MORE frightened of falling back into my old life. So I guess right now I am a little stuck.
It has been a long road to this point. I had this break down (I say this as it was not my first) when my youngest child was 4 1/2, and just starting Pre school. She is now 13 and almost done with her first year of high school. My recovery really only started about 5 years ago and it has been slow & painful! So hopefully this week as the hormonal fog clears and I can get some more sleep, I will be able find my reasonable self and remember the things that got me this far.
I am starting by going to the Dr soon. I have been having trouble with my neck for almost 5 months now. I have been having regular visits to the Physio but the treatment I have been getting only seems to ease the problem not fix it. I have asked her for an X-ray but she says that it doesn't matter what is actually going on the treatment would stay the same??? I am becoming less satisfied with that answer, and even more frustrated with the constant pain. I suspect on some days it is also the cause of the headaches that I get... I guess I want to know what I am dealing with....is this something I will just need to learn to live with?? Will it get worse?? Can it get better??? I have left it this long as I hoped that exercising and losing weight would help! Obviously not!!
So I better shower & get ready....thanks again guys. It means a lot!