I guess those of you who follow me on Twitter will be aware that I have not had the best of weeks. I have alluded to my misery, but I have held a lot back. It has gotten to the point where I just can't seem to shake the mood that has taken over and I feel the need to get it all off my chest.
So I should warn you what will follow, will be a miserable, self indulgent, self pitying, whiney post..... continue reading if you dare!
I am tired, and everything hurts. It is a type of physical hurt that comes from internal emotional turmoil. The last couple of days I am in a place that I hoped to never be again and I am not sure exactly what put me here. It has been T.T.O.M. so there are the obvious implications of that, I also experience a sort of hormonal sleep disturbance. Each month it affects me to different degrees, this month has been a dozy. I take a long time to go to sleep and then wake often, up to 4 times a night THEN take a long time to go back to sleep. Lack of sleep is my biggest nemesis; it impedes my ability to reason with myself and plays havoc with my anxiety. So this week my base level of anxiety is up and I lost my ability to talk myself down so to speak…..never a good combination.
Wednesday’s weigh in was not a total disaster….only a 100g gain. I had expected more as I was retaining fluid like a sponge. Even knowing there was a very good reason for it…I have still found it very discouraging. (My first gain in almost 4 months) I missed training on Wednesday, but had already decided to take it as my rest day. Thursday I woke up with a plan and after taking the kids to school I set about checking the first thing off my list – walking. Heading out I felt good. Quite tired, but really looking forward to at least getting 4km behind me. I have really come to love my long walks, for so long it was something I couldn’t do. Firstly the Agoraphobia meant I didn’t really go much past my letter box on my own, and then just lately having Plantar Fasciitis in both feet made walking too painful. Unfortunately the wheels started to fall off about 1.5km in. I was really struggling for breath after the big hill and it started to freak me out. I certainly was not breathing any harder than I normally do on that hill….but as explained earlier my ability to talk myself down from that fear state has been seriously compromised this week. The next 1km was very overwhelming, alternating between feeling sick & dizzy then feeling fine. One minute I had talked myself into pushing through, the next I was trying to work out which was the fastest way home….
I have to call it was it was, a Panic Attack. I have not had a proper one for a long time now. I have felt panicked, but it is not the same as a Panic Attack. I have spent the last 2 days trying to convince myself that it wasn’t that thing but I really can’t deny it. AND it has left me with a terrible foreboding fear that this is the beginning of the slide back down the black hole. It is almost like I imagine Post Traumatic Stress Disorder feels like. Just 1 panic attack, and I am back there feeling, smelling, tasting everything my life was before. I have been running scenarios in my head, like movies I am watching of me unraveling. My chest is so tight, even when I am laying down, or sitting still I feel like I can’t get my breath: my head feels like it is swimming most of the time. I have been on the verge of tears for most of the last 3 days and in fact when I am on my own, I do cry. I have had a headache for all of this time, and several times a day my back seems to spasm, which requires me to lie down.
So how does one manage life in this state?? How does one organise a family of 6? Run a business? Exercise? Count calories?? One doesn’t, well one tries and finds herself running in place most of the time lost in a fog of indecision and fear. I imagine you are thinking…but it has only been 3 days? Maybe I AM predicting doom long before it is even inevitable, but I have walked this particular path many times before and I can read the signs. I had come to believe that as I had obviously learned enough to pull myself out before, if faced with it all again, I would sensibly choose a different path. Not so sure about that right now.
To say that my confidence has been shattered would be an understatement and as I write this I have no idea of what to actually DO next.