Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Weigh in day looms once again....

I want to change the day I weigh in....I gotta feeling that tomorrow is going to suck again. Reason: Hormonal disturbances once again, this time ovulation. I look pudgier round the middle today than I did yesterday....uughh fluid again I think. Last Round T.T.O.M. only affect my weigh-in mildly, and I have been wracking my brain to work out why it is having such a roller coaster affect this Round. I have only just remembered that there was a week between Round 2 & 3 and that maybe it was just enough to throw a spanner in the works.... Whatever the reason I am not expecting much tomorrow, hopefully therefore offsetting any major disappointment. I think that I should just get used to every 2nd weigh in day being crap! LOL. See the pattern, trust the program and just keep plodding away. I am starting to get a sniff of the 80's. (It smells good) I am right now closer to 90 than I am 100....and that is very very pleasing.

So in anticipation of the scales not being so kind tomorrow, I am going to list some other milestones as a reminder of the progress I am making.

1. New Sports Bra - Smaller Size
2. New training tops from Kmart - Size 14 (used to be 18-20)
3. New Training Tops from LJ - Size Medium
4. My fav Bonds training pants are starting to fall down :(
5. 2 People took a moment to recognise me today.
6. I got a toot & very long look while walking today.... Seriously I think I was old enough to be their mother....LOL

AND that is all just this week.

Will check in sometime tomorrow.......fingers crossed with some positive news.....Happy scale day to you too...


Monday, October 25, 2010

Busy BUSY day....

Today I planned to make up for some of the exercise I didn't do last week while I was feeling not so good. Instead of a SSS over the weekend I was hoping for an MMM (Massive Manic Monday) That of course was all going to depend on how I woke up feeling....but I packed my swimming stuff ready for the adventure I had planned.

So I walked to the Pool (23min), Did 30 min of laps (10 x 50m) then maybe 20 min in the therapy pool. Showered and walked to the Osteo. appointment. (15min) There for an hour. Walked over the the super market (5 min) Then walked home (30min). I then felt I had enough in my legs to do another walk after dinner so I knocked of 5km in just under an hour. My HRM is going WIERD, readings all over the place and I really don't trust it for my calorie burn. So using the Expenditure chart on the Mish Bridges website, I figured I burned almost 1000 calories today! My best total in ages so I am very very pleased.

As for the Osteopath. I feel like I have found me an Angel. Dr Sarah is a very bright young woman who seems to know what she is talking about. 30min in depth convo about medical history & current issues, then 30min of treatment. She really worked me over but it felt so good!! AND after just 1 treatment, I gained back so much range in the movement of my head. I am very hopeful that with continued treatment I will get some real relief. I actually felt clearer in the head this afternoon than I have for weeks!! The wheels started to come off about 30 min ago though...but after such a big day I am not surprised. So I took some panadol and am now tucked up in bed ready for sleep. It will be interesting to see how I pull up in the morning.

So for now, night night.....I hope you all had a great day.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

The end of Week 5

I seriously can't believe we are almost half way through Round 3. Where has the time gone....uughh anyway anyway anyway......

So weigh in day. I lost me 2.1kg, which seems like a massive amount. But I think we all know that this is really a 2 week loss not 1. WHO CARES.....LOL I have now lost 4.6kg this round, 15.4kg in total. I also thought it was time I update my pictures which I actually promised to do at Week 4 I think. Ppfftt only a week late...LOL I am rather pleased with the result! (If you click on the pic it gets bigger!) I really have lost rolls around the middle haven't I. In fact this week I have caught my reflection in shop windows a couple of times...and didn't hate the glimpse that I got!

I am off to the Osteopath tomorrow,wonder what she will be able to do for me. I have not done any exercise today as I have felt most of the day like I might tip over. My neck feels very very tight....so I suspect that is what is causing it! Sigh....

Before the Osteo. I am going for a swim with my mummy! She has been swimming 3 times a week for about a month now. Monday is the only day that I am free to join her at the moment but I do hope that it will become a good routine for both of us. I am very keen to support & encourage her. She has more weight to lose than I started with AND she was diagnosed with Cardiomyopathy earlier this year. Losing some weight would certainly help her tired old heart AND her overall sense of well being.

So will be back in a couple of days to update you on the progress of my Neck & the next weigh in.....



Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Weigh in day....

So tomorrow is weigh in day....quietly hopeful that I will get a VERY decent result....as really this will be last weeks loss as well. (You know with the stupid fluid gain due to it being T.T.O.M. ON weigh in day....

I have my X-ray results back....all the bones are good...nothing nasty, or broken, or degenerative going on. So off to the Osteopath I go. Wonder if she will get a better result than the Physio has (Been 5 months now......??)

Will keep you updated.....



Monday, October 18, 2010

What the Dr said....

All I can say is thank GOODNESS for my iPhone!! Waited almost 90 min..... Poor Doc was so busy, he clicked my name on his computer screen, got distracted and forgot to call me in...THEN he thought he had seen me, cause the computer said he had..LOL He bulk billed me to apologise for leaving me sit there so it is all good.

So he agrees with me that it has all been going on a bit too long. He sent me off for an x-ray to rule out anything nasty and to check for arthritis, he said because I am 43 now??! (How rude to suggest I am getting old) Apparently my Trapezius muscle IS in spasm....surprise surprise.....!! The thing that I am MOST pleased about was that he ASKED if I have been having funny sensations in my head: feeling spaced out, not able to concentrate, not quite there so to speak. I said YES yes on and off, but the last week has been just awful. Seems it is quite common with neck issues. AND that is helpful in me understanding why the Panic Attack happened, I was having some very strange sensations in my head while I was walking that day......

Now I wait for the results of all of the pretty pictures they took of my bones, possibly tomorrow but definitely Wednesday. In the meantime I have some MORE exercises......which I must do 5 times each 5 times a day.... then He has suggested that an Osteopath might be of some use.... ( as long as the is no tumors or bone cysts....cringe!)

But MOSTLY it is always nice to be taken seriously and treated with kindness. Suffering from anxiety, I always worry that I will be treated as a Hypochondriac. Some assume that people who suffer from any of the spectrum of Anxiety disorders are prone to hysteria. I guess it is why I hope for people to get to know ME before the know about my "issues".

Might try and go for a bit of a light trundle soon.......


Thank you....

I just wanted to check in to thank everyone for their kind words of encouragement and support over the last couple of days. I am very good at the helping thing, but usually resist being helped.

I have spent a large part of my adult life struggling, being the one that needed extra help, or whose "situation" need special consideration. I have missed out on holidays, weddings, funerals, birthdays, movies and so many other opportunities and it is really only dawning on me what a limited life I have led. For a long time that didn't bother me, as I guess I didn't realise what I was missing. Besides the fear was so great, at the time I was prepared to give up on those things to keep myself feeling safe. I understand that there is a grieving process of sorts I have to go through.... acknowledgment AND acceptance of the things I cannot get back. I have tried not to get too caught up in regret, but there are days when I am so pissed off with myself for giving up SO much.

I am in a strange place now I guess: terrified of moving forward but now that I have had a taste of what is out there I am even MORE frightened of falling back into my old life. So I guess right now I am a little stuck.

It has been a long road to this point. I had this break down (I say this as it was not my first) when my youngest child was 4 1/2, and just starting Pre school. She is now 13 and almost done with her first year of high school. My recovery really only started about 5 years ago and it has been slow & painful! So hopefully this week as the hormonal fog clears and I can get some more sleep, I will be able find my reasonable self and remember the things that got me this far.

I am starting by going to the Dr soon. I have been having trouble with my neck for almost 5 months now. I have been having regular visits to the Physio but the treatment I have been getting only seems to ease the problem not fix it. I have asked her for an X-ray but she says that it doesn't matter what is actually going on the treatment would stay the same??? I am becoming less satisfied with that answer, and even more frustrated with the constant pain. I suspect on some days it is also the cause of the headaches that I get... I guess I want to know what I am dealing with....is this something I will just need to learn to live with?? Will it get worse?? Can it get better??? I have left it this long as I hoped that exercising and losing weight would help! Obviously not!!

So I better shower & get ready....thanks again guys. It means a lot!


Saturday, October 16, 2010

Apparently the truth sets you free.......

I guess those of you who follow me on Twitter will be aware that I have not had the best of weeks. I have alluded to my misery, but I have held a lot back. It has gotten to the point where I just can't seem to shake the mood that has taken over and I feel the need to get it all off my chest.

So I should warn you what will follow, will be a miserable, self indulgent, self pitying, whiney post..... continue reading if you dare!

I am tired, and everything hurts. It is a type of physical hurt that comes from internal emotional turmoil. The last couple of days I am in a place that I hoped to never be again and I am not sure exactly what put me here. It has been T.T.O.M. so there are the obvious implications of that, I also experience a sort of hormonal sleep disturbance. Each month it affects me to different degrees, this month has been a dozy. I take a long time to go to sleep and then wake often, up to 4 times a night THEN take a long time to go back to sleep. Lack of sleep is my biggest nemesis; it impedes my ability to reason with myself and plays havoc with my anxiety. So this week my base level of anxiety is up and I lost my ability to talk myself down so to speak…..never a good combination.

Wednesday’s weigh in was not a total disaster….only a 100g gain. I had expected more as I was retaining fluid like a sponge. Even knowing there was a very good reason for it…I have still found it very discouraging. (My first gain in almost 4 months) I missed training on Wednesday, but had already decided to take it as my rest day. Thursday I woke up with a plan and after taking the kids to school I set about checking the first thing off my list – walking. Heading out I felt good. Quite tired, but really looking forward to at least getting 4km behind me. I have really come to love my long walks, for so long it was something I couldn’t do. Firstly the Agoraphobia meant I didn’t really go much past my letter box on my own, and then just lately having Plantar Fasciitis in both feet made walking too painful. Unfortunately the wheels started to fall off about 1.5km in. I was really struggling for breath after the big hill and it started to freak me out. I certainly was not breathing any harder than I normally do on that hill….but as explained earlier my ability to talk myself down from that fear state has been seriously compromised this week. The next 1km was very overwhelming, alternating between feeling sick & dizzy then feeling fine. One minute I had talked myself into pushing through, the next I was trying to work out which was the fastest way home….

I have to call it was it was, a Panic Attack. I have not had a proper one for a long time now. I have felt panicked, but it is not the same as a Panic Attack. I have spent the last 2 days trying to convince myself that it wasn’t that thing but I really can’t deny it. AND it has left me with a terrible foreboding fear that this is the beginning of the slide back down the black hole. It is almost like I imagine Post Traumatic Stress Disorder feels like. Just 1 panic attack, and I am back there feeling, smelling, tasting everything my life was before. I have been running scenarios in my head, like movies I am watching of me unraveling. My chest is so tight, even when I am laying down, or sitting still I feel like I can’t get my breath: my head feels like it is swimming most of the time. I have been on the verge of tears for most of the last 3 days and in fact when I am on my own, I do cry. I have had a headache for all of this time, and several times a day my back seems to spasm, which requires me to lie down.

So how does one manage life in this state?? How does one organise a family of 6? Run a business? Exercise? Count calories?? One doesn’t, well one tries and finds herself running in place most of the time lost in a fog of indecision and fear. I imagine you are thinking…but it has only been 3 days? Maybe I AM predicting doom long before it is even inevitable, but I have walked this particular path many times before and I can read the signs. I had come to believe that as I had obviously learned enough to pull myself out before, if faced with it all again, I would sensibly choose a different path. Not so sure about that right now.

To say that my confidence has been shattered would be an understatement and as I write this I have no idea of what to actually DO next.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010


It may not look like much, but that little section I walked on Rankin Road is a MASSIVE hill. Short but STEEP! It is also hard to tell from the map, but I took the hill 3 times taking the short loop the first 2 times, then after the 3rd time up I came the long way home. Laying on the bed now have a little rest till my legs stop pinging.



Sunday, October 3, 2010

Ready for Week 3

I am a naughty blogger aren't I!!! Where on earth did the last 2 weeks go??? I really thought it was time for me to stop by and fill you in on what has been going on in my life and my head.....

The Scales: Have thankfully been kind to me for the first 2 weigh ins. 700g in W1, 1.6Kg in W2. That gives me a total for R3 of 2.3Kg,with a total loss of 13.1kg since the beginning of R2. NICE. Reasonably happy with that. I pretty much have a goal of -5kg for each 4 weeks so I am tracking a little behind at this stage. The next 2 weigh ins will be interesting as I am heading into T.T.O.M...... practicing my positive attitude just in case.

The Training: Is going OK. I continue to have a real love/hate relationship with the Training side of this program and I am a little frustrated with this body. It seems the big start to R3 did me in a little, sometime on that Sunday I strained my lower back, which is no surprise really as I have ongoing issues with it. Wasn't feeling it in my back, my hip was & is very sore & I also had a dull ache down the outside of my right leg into my foot. It really did my head in for a couple of days. I want to push myself physically, but I find I am holding myself back, pretty much protecting myself. Therefore It doesn't help the mental aspect of this process when I do get a negative result from a big training session. It just gives that little voice in my head some extra ammunition to fire at me while I debate training or not training. I DO know that I am more likely to include some form of exercise in my day NOW than I was 15 weeks ago. In fact, back at the beginning I would get to 9pm & think oh crap!! I have not exercised yet.......that is when I was so grateful for having the exercise bike in my shed. It was always an after thought. I am getting much better at getting the job done earlier in the day as I am waiting for an opportunity to go do it. HOPEFULLY soon I will be able to convince myself to get up early & get it done before breakfast. ESPECIALLY with the warmer weather coming.

The Food: I have to be honest & say I am not nailing the 1200 every day. There are days when I am just so tired of thinking about food & calories. There is also this whole internal dialogue that goes on over a cookie for example. Do you want it/Do you need it? Yes it will taste good, but how many calories are in it? Look how tiny it is? How much GOOD food could you eat for the SAME calorie count. ( coz for me it is all about volume still) It can get draining and there are days where I can rationalize eating just about anything. Tell me that gets easier? That that focus on quantity will evaporate and I will consume what my body needs to do its work for the day?? Not just in calories but in quantity, because it is possible to eat too many steamed vegies and feel sick even if the calories have been ok. (seriously 100g each of Potato,broccoli, beans, peas & carrots and 50g of sweet potato is only 245 Calories.....but it is a HUGE pile of veg!!)

I so want to be at goal, but keep reminding myself there is things to still do...it is not magically going to happen over night. AND even when I am AT goal I must remain vigilant! As Mish says this is not just about these 12 weeks or the 12 before OR the 12 after.....it is about life and learning these lessons for life.

So with that all said....off we charge into W3. I am beginning with a 5km walk after the physio..... I am laughing about it while typing it.....WHO AM I??? Husband is dropping me there on his way out & I am walking home!! Most of it up hill....what a sucker for punishment!!

Night night......